Britain First Documentary – An Alternative Comedy Version

Britain First Documentary – An Alternative Comedy Version

A fly on the wall documentary follows the escapades of far right group, Britain First. Paul Golfing has recently woken up and is preparing for a day of ‘activism’.

Paul’s bedroom is emblazoned with Union Flags, pictures of the Queen, an effigy of Christ. Paul is preparing his hair and puts on a chain with a large cross around his neck. He addresses the camera:

PAUL GOLFING
OK today we’re going to protest about a new Mosque that’s opening near the town centre. We’re going to show the people of the town that we support them and that we’re not going to put up with the constant Islamification of the United Kingdom.

PAUL’S MUM (Calls from downstairs)
Paul….your breakfast’s ready

PAUL GOLFING
Great! So yeah, we’re not going to allow law abiding British citizens to establish a community hub where they can peacefully follow their non-Christian religion. This is a Christian country. We’re all Christian and we’re all from England. We’re British through and through.

Paul makes his way downstairs in to the kitchen.

PAUL GOLFING
Morning mum. God save the Queen.

Paul’s mum is wearing a Union Flag apron. A picture of the Queen adorns the wall.

PAUL’s MUM
Morning darling. God save the Queen

Paul kisses his mum on the cheek and take’s a union flag emblazoned coffee mug from her

PAUL’S MUM
Here you go darling, a full English breakfast, just what you need for a day of activism. So what are you and your friends up to today then?

PAUL GOLFING
(Takes breakfast and sits down) Ta mum. We’re going to put a stop to that new mosque that’s planned for the town centre.

PAUL’S MUM
Ahhh, that’s my boy. And how are you going to do that then?

The doorbell rings and Paul’s dad echoes

PAUL’s DAD
Paauuuull. It’s your friend. Jade.

The journalist conducting the documentary pipes in.

DOCUMENTARY MAKER
So who’s here then?

PAUL GOLFING
Oh it’s Jade Franshenstein, Britain First’s Deputy Leader

DOCUMENTARY MAKER
Franshenstein? That doesn’t sound a very British name does it?

Paul ignores the question and greets Jade as she walks into the kitchen with a coy Nazi-style salute

PAUL GOLFING
Britain First!

Jade excitedly, yet sheepishly, yet mischievously returns a half Nazi salute

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
Britain First!

PAUL GOLFING
So are you all ready Jade? Another day of stopping the Islamification of Britain. (Turns to the camera). Our grandfathers did not die fighting two world wars so that a group of people can come along and build their own centres of worship bang on our doors. This is a free country and it’s a Christian Country.

PAUL’S MUM
Do you want some breakfast Jade love?

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
Yes please missis golfing. Full English, my favourite!

Jade accepts a Union Flag coffee mug from Paul’s Mum. Paul’s dad walk’s into the kitchen, takes a cup of tea from Paul’s mum and sits at the breakfast table with his paper.

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
Morning Mr. Golfing. Britain First!

PAUL’s DAD (looking unimpressed)
Erm, yes Jade. Erm, Britain First. So what are you lot up to today then? Not getting it to more trouble are we? I won’t be getting a call from the Police later asking me to come and collect my naughty son now will I?

PAUL GOLFING
No dad I promise. We’re going to stop those evil Muslims from building their mosque right on the doorstep of the good British people.

PAUL’s DAD (shakes his head)
Mosque? What Mosque?

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
(Enthusiastically) On the corner of North Street.

PAUL’s DAD
Well yeah that’s the site of a forthcoming Sikh Temple.

PAUL GOLFING
Well we’re not going to allow it and if we have to, we’ll bury a pig on the site, then there’s no way they’ll be able to build it.

Paul and Jade finish their drinks and grab their belongings.

PAUL GOLFING
Well, we’re off then. This is a Christian country for British people, isn’t it Jade Franshenstein?

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
That’s right Paul

PAUL’S MUM
I’ve packed some supplies for my little Churchill’s

Paul’s mum passes a lunchbox to each of them

PAUL GOLFING (taking a peak into the box)
Oh mum, it’s a Great British Sunday Roast. You’re the best mum!

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
Thank you Mrs. Golfing!

PAUL’s MUM
And I’ve got your favourite fizzy drink, Krusaid

Paul’s mum hands them both a can of energy drink with a cross on it, with writing over the top reading Krusaid.

PAUL’S MUM
Oh and, there’s a dead pig in the garage, isn’t that right love (turning to Paul’s dad, who shakes his head).

PAUL GOLFING
Bye mum

JADE FRANSHENSTEIN
Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Golfing (pulls a minor Nazi salute). Britain First!

PAUL GOLFING
(Pulling minor Nazi salute) Britain First.

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