InstaGran Episode 2 – Friday 8:30pm – e4

InstaGran Episode 2 – Friday 8:30pm – e4

InstaGran is Ruth Greenthorpe, a sweet 79 year old widow. With an active mind and a youthful outlook on life, although she pretends to find the technology taxing, Ruth has taken extremely well to a dated iPhone 4S donated to her from her grandson in a bid to keep her occupied whilst recovering from a hip replacement operation.

Ruth loves taking pictures on her iPhone and has become somewhat of an unlikely local vigilante. Ruth secretly photographs antisocial and illegal activity throughout her community and posts the pictures onto a well known social media site using an anonymous username – InstaGran. She then sends links of posts to local police who make their own decision how best to tackle the exposed criminals.

———-

A computer monitor is in focus. A webpage entitled InstaGran’s Community Blog is seen. In the background, an offscreen person can be heard typing on a keyboard. The following begins to appear on the monitor and Ruth dictates in time:

“Well, times have a-changed, that’s for sure and it’s time InstaGran learnt a little more about gay people, as they call them nowadays. Not ‘woofters’ as I embarrassingly found out in town the other day. I thought I was being friendly. But let’s just say ‘a friend’ of InstaGran’s own grandson is, as they say ‘a queer’. From my online research, I can conclude that this societal group is more or less harmless, even though some of their practices, which they seem to keep to themselves, seem anything but fluffy. I mean, I must say that I simply don’t understand the mechanics behind some of the things I researched and I’m fairly positive that if something that large was pummeled in and out of my mouth, unloading it’s contents directly into my lungs, my dentures would surely choke me to death and I may well drown. And as for the whole bottom things, I’ve already been treated for blood in my stools and I wouldn’t be in a hurry to experience that again.”

A cat walks in front of the screen and the camera focuses back on the monitor

“Anyway, the fact of the matter is, without gay people, the world would be a far less interesting place. What they do in their own time is their business and if its not harming you and you don’t like it, simply don’t think about it. However, my sources tell me that it’s not all hunky dory across the towns gay clubs. Drug dealers are pushing dodgy ecstasy pills and one poor lad has already died. My friend is a little worried about her grandson and his friends, so lets just say that InstaGran is not happy.”

Camera focuses only on InstaGran’s determined, squinting eyes, then back to the screen.

“I hear InstaGran intends to visit said gay club undercover to take a few photos of these rats selling dodgy narcotics. And, oh, dearie me, these images will no doubt find their way onto her social media account where, as ever, the police will surely identify and arrest these rotten scum bags. OK InstaGran, you’d better get ready to go clubbing. Gay clubbing!”

InstaGran navigates to YouTube and plays Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love”. She then walks slowly to her wardrobe and opens the door. To an uplifting chord fanfare, we se hanging on a coat-hanger InstaGran’s super hero costume. She pulls out her hand knitted, blue and red, all in one InstaGran superhero suit, emblazoned by a barely legible, knitted Superman-esque “IG”. The camera moves slowly down the suit, down to the crotch, which seems to be moderately stained yellow, as well as rather saggy.

InstaGran is stood in front of her full-length mirror, admiring herself dressed in her InstaGran outfit, bar her mask. The suit is ill-knitted, very badly fashioned and hangs off her badly, and looking very uncomfortable. She looks at herself in her mirror, squints and pulls on a loose and poorly-fitting, widely-knitted red and blue balaclava.

Outside The Gay Club
A camera scans down the cue outside a gay club. It scans past a number of well-dressed party people, some quite flamboyant, some gay couples, some mixed couples, then, the camera slows and looks down. InstaGran, complete with mask, is cueing in her mobility scooter, iPhone 4S in hand. The camera zooms into her squinting, determined eyes.

To super-hero-esque action noises, the camera zooms out and then back in to InstaGran who is now only a little closer to the entrance, still in a determined pose, despite the fact she is not really progressing in the cue.

The same happens.

It then zooms out and then back in and InstaGran is before two stereotypical bouncers at the entrance, the first of whom looks at her in a hard-man, startled fashion.

BOUNCER
Er, hello love. Erm. This is a gay club love. You know that right?

INSTAGRAN
Yes my love. I am a homosexual woman.

BOUNCER
You’re gay?

INSTAGRAN
Yes my dear, I’m here to…

As InstaGran forms a shape with her hands near her mouth that seems to mimic cunnilingus, clearly not comfortable with engaging with InstaGran any further, for an easy life, the bouncer ushers InstaGran into the club.

BOUNCER
OK , OK, in you go love. Have a great evening…

INSTAGRAN
Yes my love. I am one hundred percent gay.

BOUNCER
Sure, sure. OK, in you go love…

INSTAGRAN
Yes my dear, I’m completely queer. In fact, I am looking forward to the delivery of my motorised fist.

BOUNCER
OK love that’s fine love.

INSTAGRAN
Yes, indeed, I’ve ordered enough lube to fit a small army up my arse-hole.

BOUNCER
(Looking embarrassed) Bloody hell! That’s fine. I thought it was only the guys who did that. Look, I don’t need to hear the details. Go in, just go in. Great!

The camera zooms into InstaGran’s accomplished-looking eyes. She moves her mobility scooter forward, but there is a step which she bangs against a few times. She helplessly looks at the bouncers and they react and lift her mobility scooter up to enter the club.

InstaGran drives slowly through the club entrance and many of the punters give her startled looks. She drives up to a sign that points to toilets being upstairs. She bangs her mobility scooter into the first stair two or three times and looks helplessly at a member of staff nearby who tries to look away, but, caught catching her eye, he reluctantly looks back at InstaGran and walks towards her with a forced, accommodating smile. He signals a colleague behind the bar who comes to assist him and they carry InstaGran and mobility scooter upstairs. Seemingly, all punters notice this happening.

At the top of the stairs InstaGran navigates to the male toilets.

INSTAGRAN
(Quietly to herself) OK InstaGran, undercover time. Let’s bust some drug dealers tonight shall we?

As she enters, a number of men rapidly leave in surprise. InstaGran reaches into her pocket and pulls out her iPhone. She types into her blog:

“I’m here and I’m queer. Well, tonight I am. Now all I have to do is find these drug dealing pigs and snap them doing their dirty business. Post it online and inform the local police.”

She hears the toilet door opening and moves her mobility scooter into a toilet cubicle. There is a ‘glory hole’ in the side of the cubicle which she unwittingly presses her face against, winces, pulls back and wipes what seems to be slimy residue off her face, looks confused, shrugs her shoulders and pushes her face back into the glory hole.

Two men enter the toilets

MAN ONE
Check these bad boys out

InstaGran recognises the second man as her ‘friend’s’ grandson and mouths the words “Oh my goodness, Stephen.” Man One pulls two pills out of his jean pocket and hands one to Stephen at which point, InstaGran bursts out of the cubicle.

INSTAGRAN
STOP! Don’t take that. They’re, they’re poison. There’s a spate of dodgy tablets doing the rounds and I don’t want you, or anyone to be the next victim!

STEPHEN
Bloody hell! Gran? What the fuck are you doing here? What are you wearing? Are you OK?

INSTAGRAN
I’m, I’m fine darling. It’s InstaGran, I’m not your….

STEPHEN
Gran, stop it. Look, I know since granddad died it’s not been easy. But we’re here for you, you know? And what on Earth are you doing here? These clothes. You, you don’t seem very well grandma?

INSTAGRAN
Enough….young man, you can’t take these tablets

STEPHEN
Look Gran, it’s really none of your business what I do in my spare time.

InstaGran grabs the tablets from Stephen’s hand and pops them into her mouth

STEPHEN
GRAN what the fucking fuck are you doing? Ohhhh fuck! Ohhh fuck!

MAN ONE
Spit them out, now. Spit them out now!

INSTAGRAN
If they’re not dangerous, then I’ll be absolutely fine won’t I?

MAN ONE
I’ll call an ambulance

InstaGran makes a break for it and accelerates out of the lavatory and into a now crowded nightclub. She quickly disappears into the club amongst many revelers where she stops and reaches for her iPhone. She starts to type into her blog.

“So now it’s time to find the rats selling drugs to these kids. Sure, I’ve taken some of these designer street drugs, but you have to consider, I take 24 prescription tablets just to keep me from dying, so two more are hardly going to make much difference now, are they?”.

Stephen and Man One can be seen desperately searching around the club, looking around corners, behind doors. They can be seen using their phones, searching the club, but to no avail.

A man is seen subtly dealing drugs. He sells to two sets of people and turns around to see InstaGran parked directly behind him, iPhone in hand. Her squinting, determined, accomplished eyes can be seen. The drug dealer turns around, only for InstaGran to bump her mobility scooter into him again. He turns around and looks at her in a disgruntled way. He turns back around to address another group of potential buyers and his heels are bumped by InstaGran’s mobility scooter once more. He spins around.

DRUG DEALER
Look, I don’t know what the FUCK you’re trying to achieve, but you’re really pissing me off. What the fuck are you wearing? Now piss off.

InstaGran slowly reverses her mobility scooter and he turns around to speak to another punter. We see him being knocked forward slightly and a less than impressed, angry expression comes over his face. He spins around, reaches for the key and removes it from InstaGran’s scooter and vigorously throws them into the crowd.

DRUG DEALER
Now FUCK OFF you fucking mental bitch. Fucking look at you? What the fuck are you supposed to be anyway?

InstaGran slowly stands up and strenuously steps out of her mobility scooter. She is moving very slightly with the rhythm.

INSTAGRAN
I’m InstaGran. Pleased to make your acquaintance and you sunshine, have been InstaGraned.

She holds up her iPhone. The screen is smashed and the John Lewis website is open. She turns it around to show the drug dealer.

DRUG DEALER
Okaaaaayyyy. Well that’s nice. I’m going to go now and you should also, go. Bye! Bye!

He shoos her off. InstaGran drops her hand holding the phone down to her side and starts to sway from left to right, vaguely in time with the music. She waddles off into the depths of the dance floor and the drug dealer shakes his head in disbelief and goes about his business.

Loud dance music can be heard behind a montage of InstaGran’s posts, following her coming up on ecstasy. They include; a picture of herself staring into the mirror in the toilets with vomit down her front, an image to two men having sex in a cubicle, a ‘selfie’ of her with fellow dancers holding their hands up to a piece of music. And a selfie of her with her arm around the bouncer from later in the night which seems to indicate they later became friends as InstaGran’s e’s kicked in.

As the montage concludes, we snap back into the club. InstaGran is talking to a very butch woman who does not seem completely impressed with what she’s hearing, but seemingly staying out of morbid curiosity. A very high and loved-up InstaGran can be heard.

INSTAGRAN
…yeah and I think if I was gay I’d wear it a badge of pride too. I think I’d have a huge hairy mary..

BUTCH GIRL
I beg your pardon?

INSTAGRAN
…yeah…a huge vagina tattooed on my back, because I’d be that into them

Her friend looks at her confused and a little repulsed and in a charged state, her grandson and friend arrive.

STEPHEN
Jesus Christ Gran, where the hell have you been. Mum called. She’s seen your posts this evening. We need to get you home. There are pictures of you buying and taking drugs Gran! You’re going to be in big trouble if you don’t take those posts down now.

INSTAGRAN
Oh Stephen , I do love you. Alas no, I’ve not been taking drugs, I’ve been fighting crime, as I do wherever I go. And tomorrow, I will be bringing that drug dealing scum to justice dear. Just you wait until the Police see my posts.

STEPHEN
Gran – Number 1: You were harassing Trevor.

INSTAGRAN
The drug dealing scum

STEPHEN
Well, not quite Gran. Trevor gives out free condoms and lube so

INSTAGRAN
And drugs

STEPHEN
No Gran. Your posts of Trevor with the caption ‘Gay Killer Drug Scum’ have not gone down too well. Trevor’s very well respected around the town. And number 2: There are pictures of you taking drugs, being disrespectful and overall intimidating punters here. How you’re still I her is beyond me.

INSTAGRAN
But, but the tablets I took

STEPHEN
Well thanks, they were actually mine and now I stand to get into trouble, so thanks for that and thanks for the shit night Gran. Let’s just get you home.

INSTAGRAN
(seemingly still quite high) No love, let’s stay for just a while longer. Just one more song love.

 

Stephen’s friend returns having found InstaGran’s mobility Scooter keys. Stephen ushers InstaGran to the exit. She nods her head and he more vigorously ushers her and she reluctantly drives slowly to the exit tapping out the rhythm with her right hand.

Cuts to Ruth looking very worse for ware, conversing with a uniformed Policeman at her front door.

POLICEMAN
So Ruth, we’re not going to do anything I this instance. In honesty, it’s just not a good use of resources.

RUTH
So, you’re not going to arrest anyone? My grandson’s not in trouble is he?

POLICEMAN
Ruth, we have no evidence to suggest that anyone other than yourself has broken any laws. We strongly recommend that you take down most, if not all of your posts from last night and we’d be grateful if we didn’t have to hear about InstaGran any more

RUTH
(Looking smug and knowingly) Sure. Sure officer. I follow you. We’ll leave InstaGran to just get on with her life shall we?

POLICEMAN
No Ruth, I’m being serious. WE really don’t want to hear of InstaGran ever again, OK?

RUTH
But what about the rats selling dodgy drugs in town? Who’s going to stop them

POLICEMAN
Well, the police are aware of this and we have sent flyers out to all clubs describing the dangerous drugs and that we now have a free testing service available at a totally anonymous drop-in centre in town.

RUTH
Because of, because of InstaGran

POLICEMAN
No, definitely not because if InstaGran

RUTH
(Reacting knowingly) Ah, I understand Officer, certainly NOT because of InstaGran. I understand you. Loud and clear officer (winking at him).

POLICEMAN
So please Ruth. Keep yourself out of trouble and , look after yourself will you. Take care!

The officer leaves and Ruth returns to her front room. She positions herself at her PC and starts reading a local news page which reads – “Plans for Local Mosque Threatened as Far Right Group Plans March”.

RUTH
(To herself under her breath) – Trying to stop these people practice their faith are they? Planning to visit the town and protest now I hear? Well, we’ll have to see what InstaGran has to say and do about that now, wont we?

Ruth moves over to her wardrobe and places her very dirty, work InstaGran suit into the wardrobe and slowly closes the door.

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