JAS KNOWLES is a 40-something self-employed sales consultant and trainer. A successful veteran of the 1990’s cable television door-to-door boom, with experience hard-selling adjustable beds to the elderly and hard-selling timeshare in Spain. Jas does not take ‘no’ for an answer. As aggressive as he is un-cultured, as poorly presented as he is Scouse, Jas is hopelessly misogynistic with a temper as short as his private parts. Overweight, unfit and un-tastefully dressed, Jas spends his astonishingly large amounts of expendable income on gratuitous, tacky status symbols, alcohol and all things related.
Cut within the standardised credits, Jas Knowles can be seen putting live rabbits into cardboard boxes, completely sealing the boxes and placing postage labels onto the boxes. Jas is cueing at a Post Office and the boxes seem to move quite a lot, to which other people in the queue give Jas odd looks, to which he winks, seeming very pleased with himself. An attractive, older woman is in front of him, and he is clearly staring at her rear, something that gains attention from fellow queue members. Jas pays for posting his boxes and flashes his wallet full of cash to the cue. A very old condom falls to the ground, to which he is unaware. Jas walks out of the Post Office, gets into his car, winks at himself in his rear-view mirror, drops his shades over his eyes and drives off.
Camera zooms in on 1990’s radio alarm clock. The time is 6am. Jas Knowles reaches for the television remote control. Remaining credits continue to display across the bottom.
Oh for fucks sake, please!
The television comes on and is still playing last night’s tacky pornographic movie. A woman can be seen seductively pouring yellow liquid over her scantily-clad chest. Jas realises his error in not ejecting his DVD.
Off you twat
Jas turns off the DVD and switches over to the tail-end of late-night television. As he sits on the edge of his bed looking bewildered and drained, he seemingly welcomes 1990’s US ‘good cop bad cop’ drama, Hyde and Sikh.
Cuts to grainy US television cop drama. Haggard, yet heroically handsome ex-NYC cop-turned-private investigator, Tracey Hyde, stands before a nervous, young Hispanic-looking man who is sat down, chewing a tooth pick. Dressed in an off-white suit, Hyde leans into the ‘suspect’, placing his sock-less Bally shoe-clad foot onto his chair next to the suspect’s leg.
So, Santos, you thought it was OK to er…..to er… sell SHIT to a fucking baby did you? HUH? You ..erm…you thought you’d sell shit to a er, to a fuckin toddler. Is…..is that what you fucking thought you’d get away with, you fucking greaser?
Look Tracey man, it’s just frikin’ weed man. It’s just fuckin weed puto. Come on man. She’s fuckin’ 18 man.
Looking more and more as though he is going to lose control, Hyde leans further into Santos’ personal space. His eyes widen and his gaze seems increasingly crazed.
(In an angry monotone) She was fuckin well at college man. Workin’ two fuckin jobs, you fucking slime ball.
Hyde pulls out his oversized revolver and pushes it forcefully into Santos’ open mouth.
HYDE (calmly, yet in an unhinged manner)
Give me….. one…..fucking……reason why I shouldn’t empty this jimmy into your fucking…..mouth, take it back out, load it again, empty it and then stamp on your motherfucking brain you CUNT. Then, mop it the fuck up into a fucking 7-11 fucking bag, send it to your fucking moms, ask her to fucking spit in it, send it back to me so I can empty another fucking chamber into your FUCKING BRAIN.
Adi Singh is an accomplished criminal psychologist-turned-private-investigator. Born in the Punjab, India, he is of the Sikh faith. He studied in the UK and went on to publish numerous successful papers surrounding criminal psychology. A portly, cheery character, Adi is the ‘good cop’ of the duo. A reasonable individual, Adi always sees the good in people and the bigger picture. He wears a very large, bright yellow turban.
Commanding and speaking calmly, stood the other side of the suspect.
Tracey, you have done well to get us so far. And now you must focus on our end goal. We don’t need to harm this man. His fate rests with the law now.
Adi, if I don’t cap this piece of shit NOW. I’m gonna pop this motherfucker. If I don’t fuckin do it, this punks only gonna ruin another little baby’s life.
Tracey flips his head back around to Santos.
TRACEY HYDE (intensely)
So why the fuck do you fucking live and a baby dies? A fucking baby in a pram, wearing fucking ET pyjamas, saying dadda, fucking dadda, i love life dadda. Im gonna be a fuckin doctor one day dadda. Oh, no I’m not, some punk made me take fucking drugs for breakfast.
Adi touches the pistol and guides it out of the suspect’s mouth. Santos, gasps for air and collects himself.
SANTOS (in an English accent)
In all honesty, I haven’t really done anything wrong. Firstly, she is 18 and frankly, she’s actually fine. She texted me earlier. She asked a friend of hers to ask me if I could score a small bag on campus. I said no and I don’t deal, but she kept asking. She’s really fit, so I asked around and I managed to get a small bag. She is fine you know. We are in the same class, a student too you know.
Tracey, you know, really, he’s not really done much wrong and you probably, in this instance, should not shoot him in the mouth, reload and shoot him in the mouth and then stamp on his brains. Then, scoop them up, send them to his mother so that she can spit on them to only send them back to you to shoot again. Not this time Tracey.
Cuts back to Jas in his bedroom – Jas switches off the TV, stands up, scratches his groin and proceeds with his ablutions. He walks up to the shower to turn it on, looks at the clock and realises he’s running late.
Naaahhh, not today amigo, not to-fucking-day.
Jas reaches for a tin of body spray, holds his boxer shorts open and sprays into them. He looks at his toothpaste and toothbrush, curses and sprays mouth freshener in his mouth. Putting on a cheap-looking super-slim (thus undersized) suit, he loads a mobile phone into his left breast inner pocket, one into his right and a third phone into his left trouser pocket. He picks up a BMW key fob, places it into his other trouser pocket and leaves the house for his car looking pleased with himself.
Pulling into the car park of the hotel, he sees fellow network member, Samantha Stuart, and pips his horn.
JAS (under his breath)
Pulling into his parking space alongside fellow Network member, Steve Gape, who is locking his car, Jas captures his attention, mimes the words ‘morning’.
JAS (mutters under breath)
Jas pulls his brief case from his boot, locks his car, administers his breath freshener once more and confidently strides to the hotel foyer.
In the hotel foyer, Network Director, Jason Smith sits at the ‘welcome desk’ with Chow Chen.
Good morning Jas, how are you?
Wô hen hao xie xie gorgeous. Who’s fuck coffee?
Chow Chen shakes her head in disbelief of Jas’ efforts at Mandarin, his usage of concealed foul language and his relentless efforts to flirt with her.
We’ve got one thanks Jas. Are you prepared for your ten-minute presentation Jas?
I am Jason. Like your good self, there’s someone watching down on me and guiding the way.
Jas looks up to the roof and mouths ‘thank you’. The camera zooms in on Jason’s small lapel cross and St. Christopher pendant.
The camera follows Jas down a main hotel corridor into a conference room that houses the weekly networking meeting. A u-shape configuration of tables faces a whiteboard, projector and laptop. A number of group members and visitors are chatting, drinking coffee and awaiting the start of the official networking meeting.
The group’s financial advisor, Samantha Stuart is stood at the head of the table formation, organising paperwork and preparing for the meeting.
Jas nods at her moderately knowingly.
Jas, are you ready for this morning? Got your presentation ready?
Samantha, when you’ve been in sales as long as I have, you learn to think on your feet. Every sale is different darling. Every sales situation calls for a different approach. I’m ready alright. I could sell crack to a baby Samantha.
Well as long as you’re ready Jas. If you need anything let us know eh? And if we do need crack for the baby, we’ll let you know eh?
JAS (Under his breath and dreamily)
God I’d love to do crack with you. And anal.
She smiles at Jas who moves to the centre of the room to partake in ‘open networking’. Jas walks through couples and small groups of business owners conversing. He walks past one group and overhears a woman vocalising the merits of outsourcing human resources to her company. He shakes his head and movers to the adjacent group of people; three men who seem to be tradesmen. Standing next to the group of men and about to interject, Jas overhears a segment of their conversation that he does not approve of.
So the first thing I do is pull it back (man seems to be gesturing close to his groin). I get all the build up off it, THEN I apply shower gel, so I’m not wasting shower gel, but I know it’s going to be properly cleaned.
Jas raises his eyebrows, turns his back to the group and mouths the words “wooooh”.
Jas approaches two visitors having a conversation and thrusts his right hand towards the visitor on the left, a nervous-looking bald man whose name badge reads “Aaron Grind – Car Sales”
Jas Knowles – Jas Knowles Best Sales. What can I sell you? What do you do bud?
I’m Aaron. If you’re looking for a car three to five years old around the £5k mark, I’m…..
As Aaron continues talking, Jas turns towards the other visitor whose badge reads “Troy Thrap – Kitchens, Bedrooms and Bathrooms”. An overweight, angry-looking man.
“Welcome to the group. How are you mate? Jas Knowles. If it’s for sale I’ll sell it, if you don’t know how, I’ll teach you. What do you do mate?”
Kitchens, bedroom and bathrooms. I’ve just opened a new showroom in the town and…
Nice, nice, so what sets you apart from the competition? Why should I buy from you pal?
Jas starts to demonstratively stare into Troy’s eyes as he listens to Troy’s response.
Well, erm, we offer a completely bespoke and personal solution…erm
Nervous that JAS is attempting to stare him out, he falters….
Troy reluctantly pulls away from Jas’ gaze
I’m sorry you’re putting me off a bit. You’re staring at me!
It’s because I owned you. I dominated the fuck out of you. I don’t want to buy your kitchens, bedrooms and bathrooms. You can buy mine.
The two visitors recoil at Jas’ comments and at this point the leadership team, comprising Jason Smith, Samantha Stuart and Craig Stokes and in their positions at the head of the table to begin this weeks meeting.
If you can all take your seats please ladies and gentlemen. Bring your drinks and breakfasts with you and we’ll start this weeks meeting!
If you can take your seats now ladies and gentlemen (taps a spoon on the side of a glass).
The members and visitors take their seats around the table formation and natter moderately amongst themselves, organising their paperwork, eating their breakfasts and so forth.
Jason Smith taps a pen on his glass and begins the meeting.
Goooodd morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the East Midlands chapter of Business on Toast. Business on Toast is the region’s leading referral-based networking group and currently boasts 146 members who pass each other circa £129,000 in business each month. The philosophy of Business on Toast is?
He waits for the members who are then led by the main members at the front who chant “Give ‘n’ take” (whilst the leadership team do a pulling and pushing, slightly suggestive, but very over-enthusiastic gesture), whilst the visitors emulate half-heartedly.
Jas catches Steve Gape’s glance and rolls his eyes. Steve smiles in response and looks nervous.
Now Business on Toast is a one-seat policy referral group, meaning that only one person from each profession can claim their seat in this group. That means, visitors, if you join this chapter of Business on Toast, you’ll be locking out your competitors.
Pans across several visitors looking very interested.
Right, today we’ve an education slot from Samantha Stuart, the groups financial advisor, and we’ve the latest in training and social events from Steve Gape. But first of all, we’re going to have our 60 seconds, the part of the meeting that gives every member and visitor the opportunity to tell the group who they are, what they do and what sort of referrals they want the rest of the group to keep an out for them. (Turns to Steve Gape) Steve, if you can be in charge of time keeping and we’ll start this week’s 60 seconds wiiiiith Chow.
Steve starts an iPad counter app and Chow stands up from her seat to address the room.
Good morning everybody
The crowd murmur their responses
GOOOOD MORNING EVERYBODY, Chow Chen, Chen Training. I help UK businesses to communicate to Chinese markets, and I provide management training on Chinese business culture, Chinese travel and on doing business with China. This week, I’d like to give you a sneak preview of Chenglish, my new iPhone app that translates English to Chinese business phrases on the fly. Chenglish analyses your conversation in any meeting and suggests the most fitting phrases and translates on the fly, ready for when you need the most apt phrase to impress any Chinese business person.
So whatever you’ve been speaking about, Chenglish listens and suggests phrases most suitable from the previous conversation. As it happens, my eldest son has been using my phone again last night and I only just managed to get it back this morning. But here we go!
Turning to a random visitor. A meek-looking 50-something woman who is attending the group to sell utilities and telecoms.
Please introduce yourself to the group
H..hi…I’m Sally Ashton, Utilities Savings Club
Hello Sally. So Sally, we’ve been in a meeting and you want to know how to ask the person you’re negotiating with the right things. So this might be how long they think their lead-time might be, or can they move on their price if you buy in volume. So, just ask a question Sally. Ask anything in English and we’ll hear the Mandarin translation.
Right then. Oh it’s an iPhone. Erm, hello. Erm, how much will it cost to ship stock to the UK and how long will it take?
IPHONE (IN MANDARIN)
Your dad’s not coming back til 11 you said. Luke told us that he’ll be another half an hour with the weed.
Oh my, my son had my phone…erm…brilliant. Erm, it says that shipment will take 25 days and will cost £700….so that’s great
Sally leans into the phone to ask it another question. Chow attempts to break her of.
So, that’s great, but what kind of quality safeguard guarantees do you offer?
That’s enough now I think!
IPHONE (in Mandarin)
Your father’s not going to be happy you’re having sex as it stands, whether we’re using protection or not.
Chow Chen grabs the phone from Sally. Red faced, she looks confused and annoyed and a little embarrassed.
So that’s my new iPhone app, Chenglish; on the fly translations and phrase suggestions to help you converse fluently in Mandarin in any business situation. So it’s Chow Chen: If you don’t understand China, Stop complaining, pick up the phone Ni Hao, Chen Training!
Looking confused, Jason Smith addresses the room.
Thanks Chow, moving on can we hear from our visitor next to you?
Sally Parkin, Utilities Saving Club. I help households of households save. Save on their telephone bills, save on their broadband bills and save on their electricity bills. And how do I save you money? Utilities Saving Club is the fastest growing utilities club in the UK. We don’t advertise, we don’t direct market and we don’t pyramid sell, so we keep our costs to the minimum and we pass our savings on to you.
I’m also looking for people who want an extra income in my pharaoh selling channel. If they sign people up to Utilities Savings Club using my code EGYPT1 they get savings points that they can spend across the UK high street. They can also enlist their friends to sell through their own channels, using EGYPT 2 codes, earning credits each time. It’s definitely not pyramid selling and it can help you to get big discounts on high street names. So it’s Sally Parkin, Utilities Savings Club.
Steve Gape resets his counter and stands up preparing to address the room.
Steve Gape. Scream Vape. I’ll be honest with you….I’m a vapist (members of the room, look shocked). I’m committed vapist. Until three years ago I was a smoker. A heavy smoker. You could say I was always looking for a fag (strikes an effeminate pose which goes down even worse with the visitors). No seriously we all know the health risks of smoking and not to mention the cost. OK, can I ask you…how many people in this room smoke?
4 visitors and Samantha raise their hands.
Well, thanks for being honest. (Pointing at members) You’re dead! You’re dead! You’re dead! You’re dead! You’re dead! You’re dead men walking if I’m totally honest with you, but you don’t have to be! No, you too can be committed vapists. My vape system is the only one of it’s kind in the UK. Each cartridge contains 400 ‘poofs’ (strikes another effeminate pose to the displeasure of the audience). You can actually add your own flavours and my system works out at one fifth of the price of cigarettes.
So who am I looking for? Well smokers of course! People who like fags (looks coy) AND I’m looking for entrepreneurs to franchise my ‘Cry Vape’ brand of vaping equipment and vaping emporiums too.
So it’s Steve Gape, Cry Vape. If you fancy a Fag (dips his right hand), (encouraging all to join in) Scream Vape.
The room is silent and uncomfortable. Many members of the room look vacant and some shocked after Steven’s 60 seconds and Steve sits down, seemingly pleased with his performance.
Soooo! Thank you Steve. Moving on to our visitor next to you. If you could introduce yourself to the group please.
Steve Gape resets the iPad timer and a forty-something man named Brian Sheen sitting next to Steve stands up
(aggressively) Everyone fuck off……..eeee? (a long uncomfortable pause ensues). If I were to say to you shitook me fuckoffee in the cuntreee, what would I be describing? I’d be describing an out door event that features F’Coffee: gourmet coffee’s, teas, cakes and pastries served on demand. As well as weddings, out door events and exhibitions, I’m also looking to get into corporate events, so I’d particularly like introductions to human resource managers, events managers and senior department managers.
Our staff are fully trained baristas who operate our state-of-the-art single button coffee machines. One push and you’ve got the perfect latte, cappuccino or flat white.
So it’s Brian Sheen. Join us F’Coffee
FADES OUT AND BACK INTO THE ROOM
Builder Brian Wheeway is part way through his 60-second presentation. Holding up an image of a fortified, prison-style room.
….and basically the client asked me to make sure that, as well as getting in, nothing gets out either, so you’ll note the double-lock doors, sealed cellar windows. And for this particular job we installed air vents to ensure whatever’s down there lives…..
FADES OUT AND FADES BACK IN AFTER UNDOCUMENTED 60-SECOND COMMERCIALS
A woman sits down seemingly after her 60 second commercial putting down a CPR dummy and an iced lolly.
So some wonderful 60 seconds there. So hopefully now we all know a little more about each others businesses and we can get out there and get each other come quality referrals.
So now, it’s time for the 10-minute presentation. Each week of member of the group has the opportunity to perform a ten minute presentation about their business, giving them the opportunity to educate the group about who they are, what they do and how we can identify opportunities for them when we go about our day-to-day business activities. This week’s ten minutes is by everybody’s favourite sales consultant, Jas Knowles. Take it away Jas!
Jas stands in front of the projector, next to the laptop at the front of the table formation and demonstratively turns off the projector.
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’ve turned that off. Why? It’s not real! (he holds his middle finger up to the group, to which they bare startled). This is real! This is real life!
Right, I want four volunteers please. I thought to myself, Jas, you’ve been doing this for time immortal. When they rolled cable out across Mansfield, only one salesman signed up 294 DSS tenants. The safe-matic bed. How do you sell an automatic orthopedic bed to elderly and infirm people? I did! 900 of the fuckers. Pardon my Mandarin Chow! Each of which I stayed in their houses hard selling to them for over the maximum recommended 4 hours. PPI claims. Who goes for them? 425 idiots did. (slowly)Four….. hundred…..and……twenty……five (signs wrong number with his hand) people for whom I managed to claw back, on average £7000, nailing me £63,000 in commission. Did I use a projector? No. I used skills and I spell that with a Z. (Tapping his right temple and speaking in a monotone) – I’ve got mad skillz (moves his left hand to imply he is scratching on a turntable) = I’ve got miwa miwa mad fiw a fiwa..ff.f.f.f.f.f.f.f fucking skuwa skillsssssssss. Right! volunteers please.
Jas points at members of the audience, Troy, Sally Ashton, Aaron Grind and group Finance Director, Jaazoole Baghdaadii.
Right! Troy, Jaazooole, Sally, Aaron and we need a regular member. Chow, can you all come and take a seat in the middle please and we’re going to go over some sales scenarios, how people slip up when selling and how we can all learn some tricks of the trade that win me sale after sale.
The four volunteers sit on row of four chairs set in the middle of the table formations.
Ok, so this is how it works. Nobody knows your own businesses like yourselves, right? Wrong. Putting yourself into the shoes of your most difficult customer let’s work through some sales scenarios and I’ll show you how to get past those hurdles, identify sales opportunities and close those deals. Right, Troy. I’m going to ring you up and sell you a £15k kitchen. Are you ready?
Troy nods self-consciously.
Ok, ring, ring. Ring ring.
Troy sits there looking confused.
You do need to pick the phone up Troy. This is a lesson in telesales.
But I’ve only got my iPhone with me, I left my work mobile in the van
Jas it’s role play. Just talk into the iPhone, OK? Ring, ring.
Hello Kitchens Bedrooms and Bathrooms, how can I help you?
So you’re kitchens bedrooms and bathrooms are you? You’re your most difficult customer. Look, can you just pretend to be a difficult customer. Think about one of the most difficult customer’s you’ve had please. Right. Ring, ring.
Hello. Nora Woods here.
Don’t say her name. Privacy laws and all that.
She had cancer of the womb and her husband died. Her son’s gay.
Troy……Data protection laws and all that please (shakes his head). Ring ring (shakes his head looking sideways, rolling his eyes).
(Like an effeminate, frail old lady) How can I help you?
Hello love, Jas Knowles here from Kitchens, Bedrooms and Bathrooms. Now we’re opening a new showroom in your area and as part of the launch campaign we’re offering a 20 per cent discount to all households in this area. Now if you agree today to a new kitchen, you’ll also benefit from, not only the 20 per cent discount, but we’ll include an array of modern kitchen gadgets and utensils. Now how does a fully functional high definition kitchen sound.
Well, I’m not sure. I’ve lost both of my arms and I can’t use my kitchen anymore.
Jas steps back from Troy, looking confused and angry.
So….. how is this person one of your customers?
Well her daughter prepares her food in the kitchen and you’d have to speak to her. I can giver you her nu….
Sit down Troy. Just…sit down. So lesson number one is, always make sure you’re speaking to the right person, the decision maker. Now I knew that Mrs. Woods was in no fit state, mentally, nor physically to make big purchasing decisions, so I very quickly identified who the main decision maker was. Her daughter. There you have it! Thank you Troy.
Jas looks confused, steps back and addresses Troy
JAS (under his breath)
So how the fuck did. SORRY (looks at leadership team) she pick the phone up if she’s got no arms
She had a hook
OK, that’s enough, please! That’s enough.
Fades out and fades back into another role-play. This time, Jas is flustered and weary. Jaazooole Baghdaddi is visiting from a photocopier supplier, Midland Copiers. Jaazooole is a friendly, yet very incompetent person who has recently been to Syria, where he has relatives. Jaazoole is a friendly, upbeat individual, but course, indirect and unknowingly rude and sometimes intimidating to many. Jaazooole has a very croaky voice and a strong Middle Eastern-style accent.
Hello there, it’s Stuart here calling from Midland Copiers and Printers. Is now a good time to speak to you about how I can save you money on your printing?
Yeah sure boss.
And who am I speaking too?
(Patronising and upbeat) Hiiiii Jaazoole. I’m calling to let you know about an offer we have going to businesses in your postcode. So far we’ve saved businesses in your area on average of £6000 per year on their printing, toner and cartridge costs. Can I ask you, how many printers do you have in your offices right now
Er, two. No three!
Two, three. Well that’s great, are they floor-standing or desktop machines Jaazooole?
You’ve got four have you, well th…
Five, I got five floor standin’ printers inni…
Jaazooole that’s great, with five floor standing printers, we can send someone out to see you today. For companies operating over 5 units, we can help you apply for an energy saving grant.
We don’t have any printers at all. Just copiers.
Fades out and fades back into the later part of Jas’ role-play with Sally Ashton.
So Sally, what you’re saying is, if I gave you unlimited local calls, unlimited! So you pay for NOTHING. This is a free package. You pay for nothing and you have to give me no money….ever. What do you say to that?
Well I’m not….. in that case….I’ll….
Sit down. Sit down. Sit…..down. Brilliant, so that’s how you do it. That’s how you make sales, time after time after time. (Looks at Sally) Sit down please Sally. So if you don’t know about sales, who Knowles best? I Knowles Best. It’s Jas Knowles, Jas Knowles Best Sales and Sales Training.
Over mediocre applause, Jas sits down looking somewhat pleased with himself and checks his three phones. Jason Smith stands up to address the room.
Okay, so a superb 10 minutes from Jas there. Now we know a little more about Jas and his company and the sort of referrals he’s after, we can keep our eyes and ears open throughout the week and get Jas some quality referrals. OK, so on that note, that brings us on to referrals. This is the part of the meeting whereby we all bring a positive contribution to the meeting. Be it an opportunity to do business, training you’ve been to, or a testimonial. We’ll take it in turn to stand up and tell the group about one of our positive contributions starting with the members. Craig!
A great meeting everyone and really enjoyed your 10 minutes Jas. I’ve got a referral for Jaazooole. Jaazooole, this is Smartside sports centre, the council place on Wide Street. Their office manager Mr. Susan Philps is looking to replace her, his copiers and printers with the next budget. Here you go (passes a referral slip).
Steve (gestures to Steve Gape)
Steve Gape stands.
I’ve got another referral for Jaazoole, it’s one of my importers who need to sort out their copiers. Really old. I went on training this week and I’ve got another referral, this time for Samantha (turns to Samantha Stuart). Samantha (presents referral slip to her), a customer of mine. Naming no names, but the councilor who was caught soliciting. He needs solid financial advice to get the best out of his divorce (hands Samantha a referral slip).
Good stuff folks. And moving on to Sally. Sally, what positive contributions have you brought with you this week?
Well, a great meeting folks. I’ve got the one referral and it’s for Jas. Jas, I thought your 10 minutes was splendid. Jas, this is for my channel leader. As you know, we’re a network marketing business and rely on the interpersonal skills.
Sales skills Sally (smirks to himself).
Well, if you like Jas. Well his name’s Ray Barton and he’d like to see you this afternoon if possible. If he likes what he hears, he’ll use you across the Midlands group. It will be a lot of business for you!
Sally that’s great. Obviously he got the rabbit I sent him?
Oh er, I wouldn’t know Jas, but all the best of luck. Grab me before the meeting’s over and I’ll fill you in with the details.
As part of my jump to sales campaign, I’ve sent real life rabbits to my top 10 business targets. How could they NOT notice me?
Ohh…ohh I don’t know Jas, I’m sure he has it now. Ohh I hope you put air holes in the box then (she giggles and turns away).
Jas looks confused, but quickly turns his attention back to the room.
OK! Superb people! So with a whopping 26 referrals passed, we’re undoubtedly on track to exceed our quarterly targets. So once again, thank you all for coming and this weeks meeting staaartttttssss (whole room together) NOW!
Cuts to post meeting mingling. Chow Chen walks past Jas.
Great 10 minutes Jas. I should be able to pass the referral next weekend for that client of mine we discussed last week.
Did they get the box I sent them?
I wouldn’t know Jas, but hopefully when I speak to them later today, we should be able to pen something in!
(In terrible Mandarin accent) Hen hao bao bei That’s great Chow. Xie xie ni
Very good Jas. Your Mandarin is really coming along!
Well, I’ve been using you app you know. It’s a bit fruity you know. Not sure if you shouldn’t test it a little more though you know!
Cuts to Jas speaking with Sally Ashton
So good luck Jas. If you need any more information, just let me know…
Jas’ phone rings. He take the first iPhone from is pocket
Jas! Ian, what the fuck yeah. Fuck me. Fucking awesome night pal. Yeah? Well it wasn’t you who woke up with them in your pocket….wait up mate my other phones ringing (pulls out his second iPhone from his left breast pocket). Mr. Barton, how are you. Yes I’ve spoken to Sally this morning. Yes Mr. Barton, I’m very much looking forward to talking you though how I work. You received a box this morning. Yes that’s from me. Sure, you can wait until I get there to open it if you like. Absolutely Mr. Barton. I’ll see you at 2pm.
Jas closes his call and puts the second iPhone into his breast pocket. His third phone rings and he reaches for a Samsung phone in his right trouser pocket.
Mam! How are you mam? Yes mam, I’m at business networking at the mo’. Yes , business is going very well. Absolutely. Is he? What’s wrong with it? I thought he was going to have it amputated. Yes mam, I’ll be over on Sunday for sure.
Sally walks up to Jas on her way out and steals his attention. Jas puts the third phone into his pocket.
SALLY ASHTON (whispering)
Jas, you might want to see this before you go to head office (hands him some printouts). It’s our annual spend on training.
Sally winks at Jas and walks off. Jas winks back and smiles at her. He then reaches into his right pocket and pulls, out the Samsung phone.
Look, if you’re going to fuck whores at least make sure you buy OK coke you fucking twat……..Mam? No that wasn’t me. Ahhh, what the, what on Earth is wrong with this network today. Look mam, I love you. Love to pops and I’ll see you on Sunday. Yes, I love you too. I’ll take you to the Flaming Barn, yes. Kiss Kiss!
Jas reaches for the first iPhone.
Yo! Where was I? Yeah, look, I’ve got to go and earn some before we can burn some. I’ll catch you later yeah? Safe!
A busy series of scenes sees the networking club members gather their belongings, say their farewells and embark on their working day. Jas gets into his car and switches on the radio. One of his favourite groups, The Nuts Deep Kru, is on air. Their song ‘Bus Tha Nah Neh’ plays him out of the car park .
NUTS DEEP KRU (Lyrics)
Yo I’m nuts deep in your missus, fighting off the kisses, he shoots it off in her face and he missus. You’re lucky buddy, your missus in the nuddy, about to tear it up but she tells me that she’s bloody.
Fades to mid-way commercial break / interlude.
Fades into Jas Knowles driving, pulling into the entrance of Utilities Savings Club.
NUTS DEEP KRU (second song)
I’m a minor, don’t you touch my mangina, bwoi I’m gonna cap you and die you. Like a pig with the swine flu, turn blu, BOOM yes I’m do you….
He parks his car, administers his breath Freshener and walks through the front door to the reception.
Good afternoon, and how can I help youuuu?
Jas Knowles here to see Mr Barton.
Certainly Mr. Knowles, I’ll just see if he’s available.
The receptionist picks up the telephone on her desk and calls her boss
Mr. Barton, I’ve a Mr. Knowles here to see you. (Looking suspicious and trying to keep low-key) Yes he does a bit, no not really. Sure, I’ll send him up shall I (she slams down the handset).
If you’d like to go up Mr Knowles. It’s the first floor, second on your left.
Looking slightly perturbed, Jas sets off to Mr. Barton’s office. He identifies his room, gathers himself and adjusts his tie and knocks the door sharply.
Mr. Barton is a Director of days gone by. He’s way past retirement age and comes across as a meek, somewhat nervous old man.
Jas walks into Mr. Barton’s office and Mr. Barton ushers him to take a seat in front of his desk. One of Jas’ boxes is clearly sat on the desk.
Please, take a seat
Mr. Barton, thank you for seeing me.
You’re welcome. Now Sally is one of my best network managers you know? She talks very highly of you Mr. Knowles and I’m looking forward to hearing how you can leverage Utilities Savings Club’s margins
I see you received my parcel?
Oh is that from you? My! I was wondering what on Earth it could be. It must be a very special gift
You should open it. And rest assured, Jas Knowles Best Sales can certainly put a hop and a jump in your sales (looking very pleased with himself).
Mr. Barton shakes the parcel and a weight seems to bang quite loudly inside it. Jas realizes the error of his ways in not putting air holes in the parcel and starts to become nervous.
Ahhhhh. Actually, that one’s not from me. That’s not mine! Ah, it looks the same! Oh well, moving on, let me talk you through how I work….
MR. BARTON (Looking pleasantly surprised)
Oh no, it does have your name in the senders name part.
No….There are other companies in our building
What, called Jas Knowles Best Sales Training?
Jas starts to look very awkward now as Mr. Barton removes the outer paper and fumbles to remove the top of the box. He falls silent as he discovers a dead rabbit in the box.
Why did you not put air holes in the box? The poor things dead!
Exactly, it’s dead. Like half of your sales team and you need me to bring them back to life. No, you’re not buying this are you.
Mr. Barton shakes his head
So I should really go shouldn’t I?
Mr. Barton agrees. Jas starts to give Mr. Barton a business card, to which Mr. Barton shakes his head.
I’ll leave that here
Mr. Barton shakes his head again. Jas goes to place the card on Mr. Barton’s desk and is met with more shaking of his head. Jas walks out of Mr. Barton’s room, collects himself and walks down to the receptionist.
Thank you Mr. Knowles. Alright?
Yep, yeah, went really well thank you. And what are you doing after work.
Erm, well it didn’t really go that well did it.
She points to the CCTV working in Mr. Barton’s office. Mr. Barton can be seen staring at the dead rabbit in the box.
So, erm…how about
I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave Utilities Saving Club property. Immediately!
Cuts to Jas driving back. His in-car phone rings. The name Sally Ashton shows on his cradled iPhone.
How did it go Jas?
Sallyyyy! Wonderful thank you. A really great referral!
Oh wonderful, well, just so you know, before you arrived, Mr. Barton told me that the board has agreed training budget of £450,000 for this year and as far as I’m aware, it’s only you in the running. So, all the best of luck there!
Jas looks white and gazes insanely in front of him.
Hello, Jas, are you still there?
Jas ignores her and kills the call, turns up the radio and puts his foot on the accelerator. The camera fades out and back in to Jas walking into his local pub. The camera lingers on the same pub entrance. It is now dark and Jas walks out. Jas walks into his house looking somewhat deflated, sits in his lounge and put the television on. He cracks open a can of lager. On the television, the opening credits of InstaGran are rolling.
InstaGran is Ruth Greenthorpe, a 79-year-old widow. With an active mind and a youthful outlook on life, Ruth has taken extremely well to a dated iPhone, donated to her from her grandson in a bid to keep her occupied whilst recovering from a hip replacement operation. Ruth loves taking pictures on her iPhone and has become somewhat of an unlikely vigilante. Ruth secretly films antisocial and illegal activity throughout her community and posts the pictures onto InstaGram using an anonymous username. She then sends links of posts to the local police who can make their own decision how best to tackle the ousted criminals.
Scene opens with Ruth’s daughter, Val and two young children (aged 10 and 13) visiting Ruth in her rest home lounge area.
Hi mam, lovely to see you. How’ve you been keeping? Have you been keeping up with the royal babies at all?
Hello love, I certainly have yes. They do grow up fast don’t they? (Turns to her grandchildren). Just like you two. Look at you! How are you both?
Before the grandchildren can reply. Val leans into Ruth and lowers her tone.
Oh mam, they’re OK, but they’re fed up! It’s the school holidays and they can’t even go to the park without finding ‘things’ there! You know, adult things. A group of bloody perverts are using the car park next to the children’s play area for a bloody dogging group aren’t they.
The camera zooms in on Ruth’s squinting, cross and determined-looking eyes and Val’s ongoing dialogue becomes echoed and distorted. It becomes apparent that Ruth is plotting revenge. Zooms back out of Ruth’s eyes and Val becomes audible once more.
…..so apart from that, Toby’s moved up into math’s group 7 and Susie’s having another filling, aren’t you dear (looks to Susie, who nods enthusiastically). Too much cola and sweets isn’t it dear?
Ahhh Toby, Maths group 7. I’m so proud of you and Susie! You’ll have no teeth left love. It’s a good job we grow a second pair isn’t it?
Grandma, have you still got my old phone?
Oh yes dear, I’ve still got your old phone. You know if it wasn’t for that that phone I think I might still be in hospital now
Well if you need any help using it let me know
(Unconvincingly) Oh no dear, it’s far too complicated for your old gran, but at least I can call your mother if I need anything and I can speak to the pair of you too!
The camera fades out and cuts back into Ruth in her room, capably scrolling through her apps on her iPhone. The Instagram icon comes into focus. The camera cuts to Ruth’s determined, squinting gaze.
So. The park’s now out of bounds to the kids is it? The car park is being used for adult activities? Not for long I hear. Not for long!
Ruth looks away from her iPhone and opens her wardrobe door to reveal a very badly knitted jump suit emblazoned with a primary-coloured logo reading “InstaGran”. There is a dark yellow patch around the crotch.
It is now around 8pm. Ruth is sat on her mobility scooter dressed in her InstaGran suit and positioned just behind a bush. There is a car parked in the car park. Another car pulls in front of this one and flashes its lights. InstaGran starts to take pictures using her iPhone.
A man arrives back at his car. He is a well-known and respected MP. He has clearly been using the park for running and he looks worn out. He is wearing skimpy running shorts and is breathing heavily.
Well, well. If it isn’t local MP, Stephen Green. Right you filthy pervert. It’s InstaGran time!
InstaGran starts to take pictures of the MP getting into his car. The camera focuses onto InstaGran’s iPhone where she is publishing pictures of the MP to her InstaGram (or similar) account and adding the comment “MP Stephen Green caught dogging with other local perverts”. She hits publish.
MP Stephen Green then catches sight of InstaGran, gets out of his car and approaches her.
MP STEPHEN GREEN
Erm, excuse me, you seem to be taking photographs of me. Can I ask you not to please?
Oh what, because you’re busted? You filthy pervert!
MP STEPHEN GREEN
Erm, I beg your pardon?
Look at you. Half naked. Getting into peoples cars for god knows what. I suppose you’re going to tell me that all these used condoms the kids have been eating are nothing to do with you are you. You disgusting pig. And a member of parliament too. All out of breath, like a sex worker.
MP STEPHEN GREEN
I have just been running. I run in this park.
Then who’s that in the car
MP STEPHEN GREEN
That’s my daughter. Now look here. Who are you? I’m going to call the police.
Just then, the window of Stephen Green’s car winds down. His daughter is holding her iPhone to his attention.
STEPHEN GREENS DAUGHTER
Dad, you’d better come here quickly
Stephen Green walks back to his car and his daughter desperately demonstrates her InstaGram account on her phone to him. He gets into his car and locks the doors.
You can run you pedophile, but you can’t hide from InstaGran. You can’t hide from social networking you sex beast.
The camera fades out and fades back in. The police pull into the car park and pull up next to MP Stephen Green’s car. Stephen Green winds down his window and gestures to the police over to where InstaGran is sat. The police begin to walk over to her.
Ha, you saw my post on social media. What are you waiting for?
Ruth, can you stop doing this please. It’s every bloody week.
I’m InstaGran. I’ll never reveal my true identity. And I’ll continue bringing those who do wrong to justice.
RUTH. We are going to arrest you if you don’t stop this.
I knew it. Bloody bent coppers in on the whole thing. Perverts too are you. I suppose those condoms that the kids have been eating are yours (mimes picking up a condom as a child and eating it)
InstaGran starts to take pictures of the policemen.
Ruth Greenthorpe. I am arresting you on suspicion of harassment and standing in the way of a policeman carrying out his duty.
Jas turns off his TV, walks upstairs and the closing credits roll, interspersed by Jas going through his evening ablutions.