Primal Ablutions: The Expletive Excrete

“Not another cleansing fad” we hear the sceptics out there sigh.
Primal Ablutions: The Expletive Excrete

“Not another cleansing fad” we hear the sceptics out there sigh. How many more impossible ways of detoxing our bodies can the health marketing mafia devise, one wonders? Last year we were all mildly convinced that by adopting more of an as-nature-intended squat position when pooping, may well render the process easier and more efficient. Indeed, thousands of us purchased a ‘just for the job’ (pardon the pun) step for the bathroom; a step that raises the knees to chest-level, reportedly making the whole process much less-strained and much more productive. Those with smaller wallets, and less gullible tendencies, opted for a near-identical child’s step from Ikea for a fraction of the price and also a fraction of the shame, as it does not have a literally crap brand name on it, telling the world you a: have problems shitting b: you are a gullible prat and c: you have to have the £50 branded for-the-job platform for passing your stools, and that nothing else, even if physically identical, will result in the same outcome; one that forces the horrendous image of you wrestling a shit out in the very same place as your guest has placed trust in you and your conveniences, only to be thrust into a state of vulnerability and disgust. You are a horrible person. I mean that.

Back to the matter-in-hand though: This year we’re going to hear the phrase Primal Shitting more. It is seemingly intentionally vulgar with the goal of desensitising us to the things we might otherwise be ashamed of. The theory has it that, like countless mammals, humans take great care to pass their waste in secret and to thoroughly discard of it, minimising the likelihood of disease and of rival animals, from hunters to alpha males, from finding it, giving away our location and whereabouts and potentially resulting in our violent death. So, as dog and cat species claw and bury their feces, as other primates utilise secret areas, so too do humans, locking ourselves away in silence and flushing away the discarded matter for processing.

So Primal Ablution… We would start by asking; who actually had the time, money AND lack of shame to conduct real-life secondary and primary research surrounding how humans and other species excrete? However, we know exactly who did this. A Chinese university in Hunan Province received thousand in Renminbi from central government as part of Beijing’s strategy to improve the efficiency of the nation’s sewerage systems, which, when one considers a country of 1.4 billion citizens, streamlining your infrastructure is big, big money. The theory goes that, when we take ourselves out of the wild mindset and cease hiding our whereabouts and actions whilst going to the toilet, subconsciously, knowing that we are not in the wild, our muscles relax and the process is up to 30 percent quicker and circa 20 percent more productive. This combined increases in efficiency mean that, as a nation, China can claw back vast levels of investment that would otherwise be poured into public conveniences.

To Primal Ablution, you simply, as loud as you can, yell an expletive and continue doing so until nature takes its course. We put this to our production team and asked them to try this new initiative out. After hinting that their contracts might not be renewed, our Deputy Editor, Junior Writer and intern ‘volunteered’; the results of which can be heard on our YouTube channel here.

No comments yet.

Join the Conversation

7 + five =